just because I'm not allowed (doesn't mean that I don't want to)
by roane
Summary: The victory party may be raging on Endor, but Han thinks there's some unfinished business that Leia and Luke need to take care of. Neither of them take that much convincing.
The forest is filled with the sound of half-drunk, half-mad revelers. The party has been going on for hours, and shows every sign of lasting until the sun rises over Endor. Leia is of half a mind to shut it down; there's still so much to do. The war isn't over and the moon is still crawling with Imperials looking for revenge.

Han stops her. "It's one lost night's sleep. Let 'em have it. We can be serious again tomorrow." He pulls her close and kisses her and she relaxes against him. When he leads her away from the bonfires, her heart pounds in anticipation, but Han wouldn't be Han if he never surprised her.

"So. Luke's your brother. Are you sure about that?"

Leia lifts her head from his shoulder. "He wouldn't lie. He seemed sure." She hasn't told Han the rest of the truth, the worst part, about their father. Leia can't think about that yet. There is too much else to deal with.

"How are you doing with it?"

"I'm… fine?" Leia shakes her head blankly. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, I mean… you two have been kinda dancing around each other for years now…"

Of course Han would be the one to bring that up. _Of course_.

"Leia, you can't tell me you're not a little… I dunno, sad. Disappointed. I bet the kid's heartbroken."

"Luke? No, he's…" She isn't sure how to finish that. _He's changed_ , maybe. _He's got more important things to worry about_.

"He's been carrying a torch for you for four years, is what." Han turns her to face him, his own face cast in shadows. "I've seen how he looks at you, and I've seen how you look at him."

"Han, I—" _I chose you_ , she wants to say, but he stops her.

"I'm not saying I'm jealous. To be honest, I… always kinda figured you'd go with him, and if I was lucky, he'd share you."

"Would I have gotten a say in this?" Leia can't keep the acerbic tone out of her voice.

"Would you have said no?"

Leia's face gets hot.

"Didn't think so. But you two, you never…"

"No." She doesn't think about all the times it might have happened, that it likely _would_ have happened if he hadn't been so damned naive at first, then determined to keep her on a pedestal when she'd rather have been rolling around in the dirt.

"You still could."

Leia looks at Han in shocked silence.

He presses on. "I mean. No one knows yet do they? Just me."

"But I love _you_. And besides, _we know_." Maybe if it had happened before… but would that make this better or worse?

"And you're gonna try and tell me that you don't love him too?" He waits for her to answer, but she has none to give. "I know the two of you better than anybody. You're both gonna stew in this until you drive yourselves crazy."

"So you're saying that we should—what—get it out of our systems?" Leia tries to laugh it off, but the idea has a hold of her now.

"If you wanna look at it that way, sure."

She still has an out. "He wouldn't. He's too…" Again she has to stop and find the right words. Too good? Too honorable? "He wouldn't," she repeats lamely. Even as she says it, she wonders. She's seen the way he looks at her too, when he thinks she isn't looking. Even after he came back from the Death Star just tonight. She felt him hug her too tight before letting go and drawing back to a more brotherly distance.

"I think you're wrong. Leia, stop thinking about everybody else and think about yourself for once. The two of you saved the goddamn galaxy. More than once. You both deserve some happiness. All the happiness."

"But… people don't _do_ that."

"In some places. In others, no one cares. It's a big galaxy. That you just saved, by the way. Look, princess, taboos are for people who follow the rules. And didn't we just spend four years demonstrating that some rules need breaking?"

"Han, what do you get out of this?"

Han doesn't answer at first, but leans in and kisses her forehead. Finally he says, "Two of the people I love more than anything will have something they've both wanted for a long time." He wraps his arms around her and his lips find her ear. "Go find him."

"What will you do?"

When he lets her go, he's wearing his best grin. "Probably spend some quality time trying not to think about how pretty the two of you are together."

Leia smacks him on the shoulder. "I knew there is an ulterior motive!"

"Not at all. I just have eyes, sweetheart. Now _go_." He kisses her, and shoos her away.

Maybe she'd just needed someone to give her permission.

Most of the Alliance is going to be sleeping on the ground and in temporary shelters down below tonight, but members of the tribe all have guest huts up in the trees. Luke's is tucked farthest away, and Leia makes her way there.

What if he isn't there? What if—and it isn't impossible—what if he'd found other companionship for the night? People have been pairing off and grouping up all night, drifting away from the bonfires to quieter locales.

But no. Every time she'd seen him at the party, he was off by himself. People came to talk to him; he didn't seek anyone out. And come to think of it, she'd seen several people try to flirt with him, and it just bounced off. It always bounced off. In four years, she's never seen him flirt with anyone, man or woman. Except maybe Han, a little. And, well, her.

 _He's been carrying a torch for you for four years._

Leia reaches the hut and swallows, wiping her palms against her skirt before rapping on the door.

"Come in." His response is quiet, almost at the edge of her hearing. He turns on a portable lamp as she enters, then sits up in his bedroll.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't realize you were asleep."

"I wasn't. Trying, but failing." He shoves back the covers and stands up. It has been a long time since she's seen him in anything other than a uniform or unrelenting black. Seeing him in the standard issue, soft-woven gray tunic and pants most of the Alliance sleeps in catches her off-guard.

"Is everything okay?" The worry in his blue, blue eyes touches her, as does the careful way he looks her over, as if looking for signs of hurt.

"It's fine. I just… wanted to see how you were doing." Leia has no idea how to proceed, none at all.

Luke must sense her distress, because he comes over and takes one of her hands. "Hey. What's going on?" He looks down at her with a slightly puzzled smile.

Leia meets his eyes and tries to think what to say. "Han sent me. He—" Oh to hell with it. She goes up on her tiptoes and pulls him down for a kiss.

He is too surprised to resist, and starts to respond, his lips softening against hers. Then he eases her away, his hand on her uninjured shoulder. "Leia…" His voice is low, a warning.

"I know."

"We can't." The depth of the pain in his eyes cuts her deep. She finally understands the sadness she's seen for months.

"What if we did?" she presses.

"But Han—"

"Sent me here," she repeats. "He knows. He… thinks it's a good idea."

Luke's eyes flick back to hers and she sees a trace of shame there. But she sees something else, a flash of uncertain heat. "Leia—"

"No one else knows. Just the three of us." She chooses her words carefully, wanting to convince, to persuade, but not to pressure. The ice is thin here, and the wrong step could cost her more than a memorable night's pleasure. Too much more.

"We shouldn't." Even as he says it though, his eyes drop to her lips before lifting again.

"I lied to you earlier. When I said I'd always known. I thought—I thought it would be easier that way, to pretend. I don't want to pretend for the rest of my life."

"We couldn't have known." His emotions come through to her as clear as daylight. She sees the memory of every innocent kiss they'd ever shared, saw the way he kept those memories tucked away and cherished even as he felt ashamed. Leia has never been so deep inside his head before now.

"Does it really matter anyway?" Leia thinks about telling him about taboos being for people who followed rules. "We're adults. We were never children together." She takes a step back toward him, and he doesn't pull away. "And… damn it, Luke. It's been you since before it was Han. You have to know that, don't you?"

Luke shakes his head. "I didn't even hope."

Leia smiles up at him gently, everything becoming clearer. "You know, for someone who's supposed to be in tune with things, you're not very observant."

This time she doesn't make the first move. She stays close to him, keeping her eyes on his, and waits for him to make his decision. At first she thinks she's imagining the tiniest motion toward her, a hesitant pause before he swoops down, his arms going around her waist—no restraint this time—his hands wrapping around her as his mouth finds hers again.

It's desperate, that kiss, and it burns through her with its hunger. At first she just holds on, passively letting him take the lead, parting her lips beneath his in invitation. Luke's tongue brushes hers and her knees go weak. He kisses her like he's been holding it back for far too long. One of his hands leaves her waist to cradle her head, his fingers sliding into her hair against her scalp, sparking new shivers down her spine.

While he licks and bites at her mouth, it dawns on her that she can touch him now, actually touch him. Her hands drag across his shoulders, broader now than they had been; down his arms, heavier now with muscle; through his hair, darker now that he isn't constantly in Tatooine's binary suns. Leia tugs, just a little, to see his reaction.

The sound he makes is almost like a growl. Luke's mouth leaves hers and trails over her jawline to her neck. His hand in her hair tightens as he pulls her head to the side and covers her pulse with his mouth. Leia couldn't have kept quiet if her life depended on it, and gives a soft cry. The scrape of his teeth against her skin reverberates down her body and curls in her gut. She is hyper-conscious of where their bodies press together, the pressure of him against her breasts, the hint of his arousal against her tummy.

She expected that he might be shy, but it seems she isn't the only one who's just been waiting for permission.

Finally they break apart, both of them out of breath and flushed. His eyes glow as he looks down at her, looking at her in a way she's only ever seen in her mind's eye. He brings her back in for another kiss, cradling her head in his hands. It is too brief, but then he takes her hand in his and steps backwards toward the pile of blankets and padding on the floor. He sits down and pulls her onto his lap.

Luke pushes her hair off her shoulders and smooths it down her back, looking up at her face. "Are you sure about this?"

Leia suppresses the immediate yes that comes to her lips and takes a moment to really think about it. How much could this really change? And what is worse, knowing the desire is there but never acted on, or the two of them taking fate in their hands and doing what they want? She does something she rarely ever does: Leia looks into her heart rather than her brain, and finds her answer written there. "I'm sure."

He lays her down on the bedroll, leaning over her on his elbow. His hand rests easily on her stomach as he drinks her in. "The very first time I saw you, I couldn't believe anyone so beautiful existed."

Leia laughs, and trails her fingers down his cheek. "Liar, I'd been in a prison cell for days and I smelled bad." She can laugh about it now. Later there might be tears, when the realization sinks in that the hand behind the needle on the Death Star had been her father's, but not now.

"No, that wasn't the first time. The message for Ben." He turns his head to kiss her hand. "I didn't believe you were real at first." He leans in and kisses her again, the hand at her stomach sliding against the rough material of her dress. The pace is a little more leisurely, as if he's realized she isn't going to disappear. Still, Leia holds her breath as his fingers slide along her ribcage, up until they curl beneath the curve of her breast. She shivers and murmurs a yes between kisses. Luke's palm drags heavy over her, catching on the peak of her nipple and making her squirm.

He tugs at the laces, then pauses.

"The only way it's coming off is over my head," Leia murmurs. "Shall I?"

Luke pulls away from her and sits back on his heels. "Please." It comes out as a harsh whisper. He holds out his hand and she lets him pull her up onto her knees. There is nothing beneath the dress but an under-tunic, and she could shed both with a single motion.

She does, moving slow enough to watch Luke's face. He draws a sharp breath, his eyes darting between her face and her body like he can't decide where to look first. His gaze settles on her bandaged shoulder, a frown flickering.

"It's a graze, nothing more. I promise," she adds, when he looks dubious.

The hand he extends toward her has a faint tremor.

"Wait," she says. He stops, and she smiles. "Your turn now."

It's chilly in the hut and she resists the urge to hug herself as he pulls his shirt over his head.

Leia gasps, and it isn't because of his beauty. She isn't the only one who's been injured. His chest and shoulders are covered in an erratic pattern of bruises, some in a zig-zag pattern she can almost identify.

"It looks worse than it is." Luke tries to be reassuring, but he's never been able to lie directly to her. Looking closer at his face, she saw traces of the pain he's suppressing.

"What did they do to you?" Leia wants to pull him into her arms, but isn't sure if that would cause more pain.

He solves that for her by wrapping his arms around her instead, and his skin is hot against hers, almost too hot. "It's not important now. I'm okay." Before she can argue, he kisses her again, his hands splayed on her back, half-tangled in her hair.

She finally leans away laughing. "Pants first."

He stands up to push them away and step out of them, moving with more haste than she had and quickly coming back to his knees in front of her. Their eyes meet, then their hands, palm to palm as their fingers link. He is beautiful, even with the bruises. That's no surprise; she's thought that since the first time she saw him. What surprises her is the depth and strength of her need, how greedily her eyes move over the curves of his chest and arms, down the length of his thighs.

Leia can't look as long as she wants to, because Luke reaches for her again, tilting her chin up so he can kiss her. Their mouths slant open against each other, his arms go around her waist again, pulling her in tight. The feeling of _rightness_ , despite everything, floods her with warmth. After kissing her for what feels like hours, Luke drops lower, kissing down her collarbone until he reaches her breasts. His mouth on them makes her dizzy, and she pulls him back down to blankets with her. They tumble down with a laugh, but his thigh nudges between hers and she quickly grows serious again.

She wants to memorize him with her fingers, in case this is the only chance she has. His skin is softer than she expected, almost silken in the tender places like the crook of his arms. There are more scars than she would have liked; she recognizes the marks of old blaster wounds, tracing them with her fingers, trying to remember where they came from. There are too many she doesn't recognize. The join where his prosthetic meets his arm is nearly invisible, but she knows exactly where it is. That image of him in agony and so close to death is indelibly carved into her memories. The moment she'd first felt him in her mind. The moment she'd first realized just how much she couldn't bear to lose him.

Leia's thoughts are full of memories of him even as his mouth burns over her body like he could sear away anything but the here and the now. Her only regret is not doing this sooner. So much time lost. When they were on Tatooine looking for Han, all the comfort they might have shared if they had only known…

"I wanted to," Luke murmurs against her skin, his breath hot across her nipple. "Seeing you every day like that was hell, wanting to do anything to make you feel happy."

"How often can you do that?" Leia asks, suddenly amused, tilting his head back to look up at her. "Pick thoughts out of my head."

"I try not to, but that one was pretty loud." Stars, it is so good to see him smile again, a real smile, the kind she remembers from years ago.

"Come here." Leia pulls him up and he settles against her, still smiling down at her. He still burns hard against her hip, and just the feel of him there makes her ache. She reaches for him, savoring the way he closes his eyes, the way he bites his lower lip when her fingers close around him.

"Leia." He says her name like it's torn from his throat, half-gasp and half-growl. A shiver darts down her spine. The feeling of him, so ready for her, makes her give a whimper of her own. It takes all of her self-control to keep from stroking him too fast, to just tease him until she can have him inside her.

The thought brings another shudder.

Before she can beg him to touch her, his hand is already sliding up the inside of her thigh. She shifts and parts her legs, a small, quiet part of her thrilling just a little at the very thought of the taboo they are breaking. Although she tries to keep that thought to herself, she doesn't miss the amused sound Luke makes as he leans down to kiss her, his fingers just barely brushing against the curls between her legs.

 _-I see how it is. I should've guessed you liked breaking rules._

The voice is his, as clear as if he'd spoken in her ear.

It's hard to concentrate with his mouth on hers and his fingers slowly teasing their way between her labia, but she thinks it anyway: _For you, at least._

From his intake of breath, she knows he heard her. His fingers twitch and she arches her hips toward them, needing him to stop teasing her. Leia could cry tears of relief when his agile fingers start to find all of her most sensitive spots, inside and out. Any thought that she might have been his first vanishes.

Leia clings to him as he buries his face in her neck, his hand relentlessly finding exactly the right rhythm, the right pressure, the right everything. He knows her in a way that no one else ever can, can read her every reaction.

 _-Now, Luke._ Please _. Now._

 _-Let me hear you_.

She hears the words in her mind and in an instant sees, knows, _feels_ every single time he'd thought about this, every single fantasy that kept him awake, that drove him mad, that kept him sane.

She presses her lips to his ear and murmurs, "I need you inside me."

The sound of his answering moan will stay with her forever. He rolls over with her, pulling her on top of him. His eyes are burning, but soft, as he looks up at her. "I'm yours, Leia."

The layers of meaning are obvious to her, and tug hard at her heart. He is hers, and suddenly that seems as much a responsibility as a joy, to have that enormous heart of his in her keeping. This brave, beautiful boy, she knows him soul-deep, the first person she ever touched, long before they were born. Her brother and now her lover—although in truth he was her lover long before this moment, and long before she knew he was her brother. He is hers, and Leia realizes that she is as much his.

She brings up her knees to straddle him, and reaches down to guide him to her without looking away from his face.

"I love you," he says, and she knows that the game she and Han play with those words has no place here.

"I love you too." Then she takes him into her, her back arching with the sudden, fierce pleasure of it. It shocks her, feeling not just her own pleasure but his, the culmination of years of longing on both sides. Luke pulls her down to kiss her again, and she rolls her hips against him, trying her best to start slow but there is so much time they've missed, so much time to catch up on and if this is to be the only night…

But it can't be. Leia can't give this up, not after just finding it.

Luke's hands are on her hips but he lets her control the pace. Both of them are moaning and Leia can't make the distinction anymore between what she hears inside her head and what she hears with her ears, as joined with him mentally as she is physically. His fingers clutch at her hips hard enough that there will be marks in the morning, and that little bit of roughness is enough to send her flying. He joins her. Of course he does; they're as close to being one person as it's possible for two people to be, and it turns into a feedback loop of pleasure, each feeding into the other's and spiraling higher and higher together until they both collapse, exhausted.

Leia rests her cheek against his chest, too drained to move off him, although she's starting to get cold. She no sooner thinks it than he's dragging one of the blankets over them, wrapping his arms around her before kissing her forehead.

"Can you stay?" he asks. "Or do you need to go back?"

She and Han didn't talk that far, but she thinks he'll understand if she doesn't go back tonight. "I'll stay." She pauses, then adds," He loves you too, you know."

"I know." Luke pushes her hair back, playing with it. Then she sees a quick flash of a grin. "He's less subtle than you are."

"But the two of you—"

"He saw how I felt about you, I think, and then when the two of you fell in love…"

"I'm not ready to share you yet," Leia says, although it makes her feel selfish. "Is that terrible?"

"You could never be terrible." He tilts her chin so she'll look at him. "Besides, don't I get a say in this?"

It's so like what she said to Han earlier that it makes her laugh. "Would you really say no?"

"I don't know." He leans up and kisses her, and she can tell he's intrigued by the idea, both from the heat in his kiss and the way he already starts to stir against her leg. When he pulls away though, his eyes are sad again. "Leia, I can't make any promises to one person, let alone two."

"The only promise you ever have to make to me is that you'll always do your best to come home." She knows that he hasn't always, knows about the times when he's lost heart.

"I can promise that," he says after a moment. "But if anyone ever finds out the truth—"

"I don't care." And Leia realizes, belatedly, that she truly doesn't. "We never shared a family, not until we made our own. We have no shared background, no history. Just genetics. And a father who never was one." He _is_ her family, and always has been in ways that have nothing to do with their parents, and in that moment, she's ready to fight anyone who would question it.

"All right, all right" he concedes with a laugh, rubbing her back soothingly.

"We'll figure the rest out." All of it: Han, the Alliance, winning the rest of the war, how they can fit together, all of it. They'll rewrite the rules as they go.


End file.
